Damn Elissa Cousland
by tickles44
Summary: "Well, Kallian as we get to know each other better you'll find that I like to think of vengeance a lot, then I like to cry a little in order to show my vulnerable side."
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I in no know claim any of these characters as my own. They are the property of Bioware and I am simply playing with them.

AN: This is my first story so please be gentle! My Tabris was my first play through and this is what I thought might be going through her head during the wedding as I made her mistress. Enjoy!

Kallian Tabris hated everything at the moment (not Oghren though, Oghren had booze). She hated stupid Vaughn for not being able to keep it in his stupid pants. She hated stupid Duncan for not letting her go off and die in prison and introducing her to Al… what's his name with the stupid face (not handsome, no matter how good he looked in his armor at the moment). She hated Morrigan for making her damn offer and herself for accepting it and Stupid Face for going through with it (and probably enjoying it too. Bastard.) But most of all Kallian hated Elissa damn Cousland and her stupid damn humanness.

Damn Cousland and her stupid hair and stupid tattoo (that she totally stole from Kallian) and her "Oooo I fought my way out of a stupid castle that my father's supposed friend invaded. Boo hoo!" Never mind that she hid like a coward for the rest of the Blight and that she never thought to actually go LOOK for her brother (Kallian found him, but Maker forbid she gets thanked for it). No she was such a _hero. _She was so _brave. _Well did she fight the damn Archdemon? No she did not. So how come she got Alis…Stupid Face and Kallian got to be the "Hero of Ferelden" in public (seriously who came up with that?) and the dirty little secret in private? Just because her ears pointed, didn't she deserve happiness? No, no she did not because she made a deal with the devil and she should have just taken Zevran up on his damn offer for a massage and then she never would have fallen in love with Stupid Face and never would have wanted them both to live and never would have been forced to watch the man she loved…she needed to find Oghren again.

Crap. Stupid face is walking towards her and he has that look in his eye and she's smiling so hard it hurts and she's forgetting how to breath and this dress makes her look fat and… "Hello"

"Hello"

"So… some party. I personally think we could have done with a lot more cheese"… (why is he being so formal and why won't he touch her and she hates him but Andraste's tits she wants him to hold her and tell her he loves her and that damn Elissa Cousland is a stupid ugly nug and…) "Kallian, are you listening to me?"

"Yes" (and she's very proud because it actually sounds like she's not completely drunk)

"Hello, you must be Kallian. Alistair has told me so much about you it's a pleasure to finally meet you." Damn Elissa Cousland says with a warm smile on her face (Bitch.)

"Yes, Stup… Alistair does talk a lot doesn't he" she manages to joke (and it's a miracle she's not crying because he won't look at her and she needs him to look at her)

And they talk and she manages not to grab the dagger she has strapped to her thigh and stab Damn Elissa Cousland with it (and Maker does she want to but the woman's so _nice_). The entire time Alistair won't look at her and she just wants to curl up in a ball and _die. _Then finally the happy couple is called away and Alistair lingers and whispers in her ear that as soon as he can get away he'll stay with her tonight and that everything will be alright and that he loves her and she's forgetting how to breathe again. He sneaks a kiss and joins his lovely bride, and she is _lovely _with her golden hair and nice smile and regal bearing (not at all like Kallian, Kallian is all dark and closed in and what does he _see _in her?). Then damn Elissa Cousland says something and Alistair laughs, and Maker's breath where is Oghren?

Kallian knew it would be like this. They both did. But it was better to have some of Alistair is none at all. And she knows that he will find time for her later because he is just so _good _so she really shouldn't be crying like this. But then Oghren is there and he has more booze and she loves the glorious drunken dwarf even if she hates everyone else in the world at the moment. Especially Damn Elissa Cousland and her niceness and her fertility and the fact that she is not, and never will be stupid Kallian Tabris who willingly let the man she loved go and marry someone she just knows he'll fall in love with (and then she'll be alone because Shianni won't look at her anymore and Soris is resentful and stupid Vaughn is in the corner _smirking _and she just wants to rip his throat out). So she stumbles into her rooms and collapses on the bed, trying to sleep (and it should be about an hour till Alistair can come) and she doesn't want him to know she was crying, but he will. And he'll try to make it better and it won't work because all she can think about was Damn Elissa Cousland.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I in no know claim any of these characters as my own. They are the property of Bioware and I am simply playing with them.

AN: Thank you so much for all the nice things you said! This was originally going to be an oneshot but I got an idea and after reading your comments figured I'd go for it. Please feel free to point out any weaknesses you see in the piece as I am VERY new at this. Enjoy!

Alistair did not come in an hour. Kallian thinks it's possible he might have and been turned off by the fact that it seems she nearly drowned in her own drool. The wedding and reception are over but judging from the noise outside (and is it really necessary for the damn Shems to talk so loud?) the servants (elves who look at her like she's a hero and she just wants to scream that she's not and that it's all stupid Morrigan's fault for making her Maker damned offer) are setting up for the dinner and celebration. Kallian supposed to attend but she doesn't want to because Her Damn Royal Majesty will be there and Kallian is pretty sure it would be frowned upon to start giggling as the Damn Queen launches into her tale of woe which seems to get grander with every telling (Kallian doesn't remember Howe being able to summon the Spirits of the Fade with his eyes). But she knows she has to, so she wipes her face and straightens her dress and arranges her hair so that her ears are covered, and goes off to the party.

The earth isn't moving so Kallian is pretty sure she's sober (mostly) and traverses the many corridors until she finds the room that makes the most noise. She doesn't go in. She smells the most likely delicious food wafting from under the door way (and in no way do the smells make her nauseous) but she can't go in. Because she would go in alone and she knows that all of her friends will stare at her with pity and Alistair will be making his stupid "It's for the best" face and she cannot deal with it (on the other hand Oghren is in there and Oghren has booze). So she stands in front of the door contemplating her dilemma before she is saved by Bann SexyPants (she thinks she might have to reconsider her earlier verdict on her sobriety).

Kallian likes Bann SexyPants (she'd probably like him more without the pants), he smells nice and when he sees her he smiles and she smiles back (and it doesn't hurt). He walks towards her and he has a look in his eye that she hasn't seen since Zevran tried to bed her and finds she misses. It's one that says "I am interested in you in a completely sexual way, and once we have our fun we will remain friends and I will be perfectly content for you to use me in any way you want without asking for any commitment in return"

"Ah, Warden Tabris whatever is a woman as ravishing as you doing standing out here alone?" He looks down her bodice but does so in a subtle way that Stupid Face could never hope to accomplish.

"Simply waiting for an equally ravishing man to escort me of course." she replies with a purr in her voice (she tries not to wince, but Maker does that hurt her throat)

"Well then Warden, shall we continue?"

"Only if you *hic* Kallian you call me, Teagan" She giggles (_really _needs to reconsider that sobriety verdict)

They enter and Kallian is honest enough to admit that watching Stupid Face grip his glass a bit tighter than necessary pleases her. She tightens her grip on SexyPant's arm (and only partly because the room has started spinning again) and lets him lead her to her chair to the right of Her Newly Royal Majesty Damn Elissa Cousland.

Damn Elissa Cousland is placing her hand on her stupid husband's (and her fork seems to be particularly sharp tonight) and insisting that she _mustn't, _she simply _couldn't, _there is no _possible_ way she could _ever _retell the story of her harrowing (Really?) escape from her imminent doom as a result Howe's betrayal. She does anyway, mentioning something about a sweet girl called Iona (and Kallian could swear there was something human in the way she seemed to stare into her glass) glancing at Kallian with a nostalgic look in her eyes before continuing. Kallian doesn't listen to the story, tuning out sometime around the third "Oh, I can't talk about it any longer", but Damn Elissa must be an excellent story teller if the way Leliana keeps staring at her is any indication (for some reason it puts her in mind of the way Leliana would look at her when she talked about the stars). Damn Cousland's story lasts the duration of the meal and the entire time Alistair keeps looking at Kallian with a drunken flush in his cheeks and a heated glare in his eye (and she may be returning those glances and licking her lips)_,_ and Maker it's hot in here someone should really do something about it like make everyone else leave the room so that she can wipe the Damn Cousland stink off Alistair because he is _hers_, he said so himself and Alistair never lies (except about the one damn thing that got them into this mess). But now the rest of the room is staring at her and she averts her gaze back to the meal and puts down the bone she seemed to have been gnawing.

Oghren is across from her with a knowing look in his eye, and Wynne just looks sad, and Zevran looks rueful (and why is everyone so sorry, she's _fine _really.) She slew the Archdemon she can handle Damn Cousland and her damn hands that are touching Stupid Face too much (and Kallian, which is getting really annoying) and maybe she bends her fork a bit, but then Oghren (glorious, glorious Oghren) is handing her the wine and a bit of his special brew and she thinks that if it were possible she would have the man's children (but she can't because of stupid Duncan). And she drinks and she drinks and she never really noticed how pretty Zevran's hair was or how smooth and how much she needs to touch it, like right now because somehow she _knows _that Zevran's hair is the secret to making all her troubles go away but he's too far so she ducks under the table muttering something about Darkspawn and ignores the looks everyone's giving her.

She crawls past all the feet until she finds a pair encased in Antivan leather boots (she never did tell them that she just stole them from that crazy village) and she pops up in front of him and starts running her fingers through his hair and maybe rubbing her cheek against it a little, but she looks at the table and Stupid Face is still married to Damn Cousland except now they're both looking at her funny (so is everyone actually) but Zevran doesn't seem to mind so she keeps doing it but now the looks are really starting to get funny so she does the only thing she can do, she lies.

"Zevran's hair contains the only antidote to a…um… poison that was on a sword I was stabbed with a while back and therefore I must…ummmmmm…rub myself against him (not like that Oghren!), every ten days or I'll…die" The room was silent for awhile (for some reason Kallian doesn't think they believe her).

But then Damn Elissa Cousland breaks the silence, "Oh Kallian", she laughed (and who said she could use her first name?), "How kind of you! You obviously saw how depressed speaking of my traumatic experience made me, and decided to cheer me up!" and she keeps on laughing until the others join her.

"Oh, the Warden is such jokester"

"Hah, I for one knew what was going on the entire time!"

"Wait, what poison does the assassin's hair cure?"

But Alistair is looking at her and she knows he knows that she's drunk and this will just lead to awkward questions and apologies, but then Damn Elissa Cousland speaks up again and orders everyone to start dancing, and insists that the first dance be between the Warden and the King. If it's possible (and it definitely is) Kallian hates the Damn Queen even more but she manages a smile and walks up to her king and curtsies (not too low because the ground is doing such a pretty color and she'd hate to ruin it with her vomit) and they twirl around the floor and her king is looking at her with disappoint in his eyes but as the music changes and he pulls her closer Alistair's stare is more apparent and finally there is very little space between them. But then the music ends and they must part (but if Alistair holds on to her a little longer nobody notices) and she goes outside to clear her head. But then she hears footsteps behind her and someone places hands on her shoulders and they are definitely not Alistair's.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I in no way claim any of these characters as my own. They are the property of Bioware and I am simply playing with them.

AN: Sorry about the delay, I seriously could not think of anything to do with this chapter and then inspiration struck. Sorry! Just to clear something up, Alistair and Kallian are not broken up, she is his mistress. I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear. Please review and enjoy!

Kallian has several reasons for knowing they are not Alistair's (and only eight of them are sexual). The first being that she knows that Alistair is not one to wear flowery Orleasian perfume (at least, not since that one time with the feather… but back to the point), the second being that she is familiar with these hands as well considering she has been glaring at them for the better part of the evening. The hands belonged to one Damn Elissa Cousland. At least Kallian was relatively sure they belonged to her, she did not remember Damn Cousland having a Damn Twin (although Alistair would probably enjoy that. Chantry virgin her ass). The two Damn Couslands are very adept at speaking in unison however and as she is duly impressed she decides to listen to both of them (and not pick up her dagger and aim for that oh so very reachable eye).

"Kallian, may I call you Kallian" the damn woman flutters.

"Actua…"

"Of course I can" the Damn Queen takes a shuddering breath and flings herself on a nearby bench taking Kallian with her (she forgot that she had porridge that morning). "I simply must thank you for…for… for murdering that wretched demon Howe"

"Uh, you're…"

"I would have done it myself but I was unfortunately incapacitated during my daring escape by a cut on my shoulder. I don't know how I survived, the _pain _Kallian, you simply can't imagine the _pain_."

"Well actually…"

"But the thing I wanted to ask you the most was this Kallian" and at these words Kallian found herself being hurled forward by the shoulders and staring directly into Damn Elissa Cousland eyes (her face would look so much better with some porridge on it), "did he…_suffer_?"

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean" Kallian managed to get out (Oh Maker her dagger feels tempting).

"I mean that before you killed him did you cause him the pain he caused me? Did you gouge his eyes out and then feed them to him on a silver platter? Were his screams of anguish heard throughout the land, letting everyone know that the COUSLANDS HAD BEEN AVENGED?'

"I like to give my foes a quick…"

"You're probably wondering where I came up with those brilliant ideas of vengeance?" all Kallian could do was nod, "Well, Kallian as we get to know each other better you'll find that I like to think of vengeance a lot, then I like to cry a little in order to show my vulnerable side."

"Ok, well about Howe"

"Oh, how could I even think to ask you about this? Of course you tortured Howe until he was nothing but a whimpering puddle on the floor. How could you not?"

"I'm generally not one to torture people" but she thinks she wants to start.

"Kallian, he was such a horrid, horrid man. Do you know that he tried to pawn me off on his son? And not even the handsome one, no; it was the drunk. As if _I _would ever involve myself with one who overindulged in the horrors of liquor"

"Well in that case Your Da… Majesty, I really should go."

"Just for that I should have made his son fall in love with me before he went off to the Free Marches. Then when he came back and saw all the horror his father had wrought he would have went and spit on his grave. But he was just so _hard. _You'll find, Kallian, that I prefer the softer type. I wonder if I can get Alistair to eat more cheese…"

Damn Elissa Cousland was just a bit too close now and Kallian needed to go and find Alistair and take away all of his cheese and make him train extra hard and Maker's _breath _the woman is lying her head on her shoulder.

"Kallian, I just don't know how I'm going to do it" Her Damn Royal Majesty sobs looking very vulnerable, (she wonders if she practices).

"Do what?" Kallian sighs (she swears to the Maker if glorious, glorious Oghren shows up in the next five minutes she _will _find a way to give the man a child)

"Maintain this _façade. _That was Orleasian in case you didn't know." The Damn Queen sobs again (damn she likes this dress even if it does make her look fat). "How can I pretend to be happy when I didn't get the satisfaction of truly fighting for my country because of my debilitating shoulder injury? Hmm, if only there was some way for me to get the satisfaction of a fight without worrying about threatening my life once again."

"Have you considered…"

She gasps "Oh thank you Kallian, thank you! I knew you'd say yes."

"Say yes to what?" (Please let her be hallucinating, please let her be unconscious in front of the entire court, please let her be ANYWHERE but here)

"Why, to helping me train of course! Oh Kallian just think of the fun we will have…" (Why oh why does the Maker hate her, she wasn't selfish she let Alistair marry the stupid hag and she didn't even insist on having Vaughn's head on a platter as a gift. Was it because she didn't help rebuild the Grey Wardens? Was it that time she helped Slim? Was it the threesome? What was it!) "… and of course we shall have to include Ali in on the fun."

"Ali…" (Oh Maker no)

"Yes, Alistair. I believe that in order for me to fully get back up to speed I must first watch you and he spar and banter and what not so I can completely understand the passion and exhilaration of battle."

"Passion. I… uh… don't know what you mean, there's no passion between Alis… I mean his majesty and I." Kallian gulps (no it will all be ruined this is the most she can have of him Maker _please_)

"Shh…of course there is Kallian. The passion between two partners in battle is a truly unique one, one that I hope you and I will come to share." The Damn Queen cuddled closer into Kallian's shoulder "You know Kallian you remind me of an old friend. Iona. But she was ki… no matter." (Do her eyes look wet?) Damn Elissa Cousland stands up, wiping her hands on her dress; she turns, once again placing her hands on Kallian's shoulders, "Kallian I do believe you and I are going to become good friends, _very _good friends", and with that Damn Elissa Cousland walks away.

Kallian has a sudden urge to take a bath.

After some intense scrubbing in scalding hot water for an hour (servants are fun) there is a knock on the door, and Stupid Face walks in (she really needs to think of another nick name for him).

* * *

AN2: So this was the first heavy dialogue chapter I've written. Please feel free to leave comments about it, whether good or bad. Also anyone want to Beta this (am I allowed to ask that on here?)

AN3: I just want to thank all of the people who have been reviewing this story! I'm sorry I haven't been replying to your reviews I'll fix that later. Thank You SO MUCH!


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Exams are over and I finally have time to write a chapter! Just so you know these () in the middle of dialogue are Kallian's thoughts. Read, Review, and Enjoy!

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

His Royal Highness stands leaning against her door with his stupid, knowing, hot (evil) smirk on his (stupid) face. He looking at her tenderly and it takes every ounce of control she has not to punch him in the face or run up and kiss him; she can't decide. One thing she can definitively state at the moment is that she is woefully sobering up, so after a few intense seconds of staring at him (and definitely NOT picturing him naked) she turns her back to see if she can find more of wondrous Oghren's elixir.

"Not that I don't appreciate the view" (stupid see-through towel) "but do you mind turning around so we can talk. I feel like I haven't seen you all night."

"That probably had something to do with your stupid wedding" she mumbles (where is it, _where is it_, WHERE IS IT)

"What?"

"Um…. Warden business, very hush hush. Lots of…wardeny stuff involved." (oh shit, he's getting closer, what does she do, what does she do, what does she do).

Hands (thankfully not flowery Orleasian-scented hands) are turning her around now. "You forget, my dear, that currently _we _are the only Wardens in Ferelden. So, do you want to tell me what was wrong with you tonight, or can you honestly say you have a dire need to rub against Zevran's hair?"

"…Where's your wife?" (She knows it's in here somewhere).

"What?"

"You know the (damn) woman you…married today?" (Damn, it's right behind him)

"Funny story that. I went to our…bedroom" (she thinks she sees him wince) "and as soon as I walked in she started bawling about how her 'horrifying, harrowing, and hellish tale' had left her unable to contemplate even thinking about consummating our marriage, then she mentioned something about being a delicate, virginal flower, then she talked about Howe some more and _then_ she said that I must sleep in a different room tonight because she 'simply couldn't _bare _it'. Sooo… I figured I would live up to my promise and spend some time with you."

She forgets the ale for the moment and almost smiles, "Really?"

"You doubted me, fair lady! I don't know whether or not to be insulted. I don't think I'm that bad, you?"

She places her hand on his chest and slowly slides it lower. "No, actually I think you're very…"

He stops her hand and holds it to his chest, "Stop trying to distract me with your temptressy distracting ways, you minx." (Damn) "What was wrong with you tonight?"

"I was overwhelmed by your attractiveness in ways that caused my mind to be blown by sheer sexiness and act crazy?"

"Rea… Nice try, but that's not it. I know you Kallian, you're not a drinker. So tell me _what's wrong." _(Why must he look so handsome when he's all growly?)

"I… I don't know. I was just sitting there at the wedding and I was sad and then Oghren showed up and he had some ale, and… you know he can be very persuasive, thank the Maker that he's drunk half the time because if he wasn't then we would have to seriously reevaluate the decisions we've made in his company, you should really consider giving him a job, maybe mine, because I don't even know what a Chancellor _does, _I mean do we chancel? 'Cause I don't think that's a word, can you make that a word? Oo, can you make _wardeny _a word, or would that be an abuse of power? If it is you could probably dissolve the Landsmeet and make up all the words you want and…."

Alistair puts his hand over her mouth (his fingers taste good…so do other parts of him, maybe if she moves her _other _hand) and brings the hand he does not have captured up to his lips. "Okay… you were upset over my wedding so you decided that the best idea would be to get incredibly drunk, flirt with Bann Teagan (SexyPants), rub yourself against Zevran's hair, and then disappear for three hours?"

She buries her head in his chest to hide her blush and nods. "Well, nice to know I'm still an expert at interpreting your babble," while saying this he starts to lead them over onto the bed, "I was worried I was getting rusty."

"I'm sorry I'm having a hard time with this. I know I said I could handle it but (your wife's psychotic, it's too painful, if I see Vaughn one more time I'll stab him in the eye) I'm just not used to this whole court life thing (not even the extremely fun servants)"

He rearranges her so she is sitting on his lap, "Neither am I. Listen, I know it's selfish and I know I need to be my own man, but honestly; thinking about living here without you to back me up and without being able to hold you in my arms at least once a day makes me break out into a cold sweat. I'm all shaky knees and sweaty palms whenever I'm around you _or_ them, at least with you I like it."

She lifts her face off of his shoulder, "I still make your palms sweat?"

"I'm surprised I held my fork tonight." That has got to be one of the dumbest things she's ever heard (she is totally not melting right now, she swears), but she kisses him anyway. This kiss leads to more kisses and other things that should be kept private.

* * *

Listening to Alistair's soft snoring at her side she rolls over and looks at him. She looks at his regal nose and slightly too long lashes and soft hair and she thinks about how little he has changed physically since their first meeting.

* * *

She is standing in Ostagar looking up at a king. She knows he's a king because Duncan told her and the man said something about a "Royal Welcome", at least, she thinks he did. She can't be too sure because she was momentarily dazzled by the man's golden armor, not because it was shiny, but because she isn't quite sure how basically wearing a golden "Look at me Darkspawn! I'm an easy target!" sign for protection is supposed to help him (maybe the Darkspawn too will be dazzled?). As she is having these thoughts the she notices that the Golden Man is looking down at her (leering a bit too) expectantly, she mumbles something about being honored by his majesty before looking back down, hoping to slink back into the darkness. However, he doesn't let up, asking her about the alienage and her recruitment, all the while looking like an excited puppy (granted a very large, very handsome puppy), that's when she gets angry and snaps at him before Duncan puts her back in her place; however, the King just brushes it off and goes off to the next place he's needed, practically skipping along the way (do battle, war, and death really excite the man _that much_?)

Duncan tells her that she must mind some man named Al…. something (she really wasn't paying too much attention after her subtle hints at being tired and hungry were ignored). Duncan does not, unfortunately, tell her where he is, so she is forced to wander aimlessly, talking to random passerby, stealing the odd supply (she really _does _need that piece of wire for…something) before she finally climbs some stairs and hears two men arguing. From what she can tell one is grumpy at being called and the other is grumpy at being forced to call so they're both arguing like two cats fighting over a dog bone (you see weird things in an Alienage). Finally the one in the weird dress stomps off and a tall man (why must all Shems be so _big_ her neck is hurting) starts walking towards her speaking of Darkspawn tea parties. She thinks he's a little crazy but finds herself caught up in staring at his face, his voice fades to a pleasant rumble and she's sure he must think she's crazy for the way she is staring at him but she can't help it. Something about the kind (and vaguely familiar) features draw her in, and for some odd reason she finds herself thinking she wouldn't mind looking at that face forever.

* * *

She was right that day. She still is, Alistair's face is one of the most warm and comforting things she in all of Thedas to her. No, nothing has changed about Alistair physically since then, same regal nose, same eyelashes, same hair (exactly the same actually, he wasn't kidding about that obsession).But he has changed greatly, some of the innocence in his eyes has been lost, there is weariness there that wasn't before, and sometimes he just looks so _tired_, they both do. But he has also become a man of firm convictions, a man who fights for justice, and a man who fights for what he wants. Because of that he's lying down beside her today, so she finds she doesn't mind too much

The next morning she wakes up pleasantly sore and sees Alistair naked at the door, bending down to pick up a note that was slipped underneath (now she gets the nice view). Alistair turns to her, note in hand, with an inquisitive look on his face. "Care to explain this Kallian" he says, handing her the paper which reads:

Dear Kallian,

We simply must have sparring today, as it is

Imperative that I get out all of my frustration

If I am to have a fruitful marriage. Call Ali

And have him armor up or whatever you do.

I'll be waiting!

Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elissa Therin.

Damn, she had forgot about that.

* * *

AN2: So I don't feel like this chapter was as funny as the others, but I had to get some stuff out of the way do we could get right back to the funny. I hope you enjoyed it anyway (please).


	5. Chapter 5

AN: I'm going on vacation and won't be back until the 19th. So when I get back I promise two EXTRA long chapters (or you know, longer than usual.) Just so you know the F-bomb is dropped in this chapter. As always: Read, Review, and Enjoy!

"Please Wynne?"

"No"

"Pleeeeeeaaasseee?"

"I said no."

"I'll buy you all the smutty romance novels you want."

"I read them for the plot! And for the last time no."

"But…"

"Maker's breath, I did not study healing for years in the Circle simply so I could get rid of your hangover!" and with that Wynne snaps her book (her completely non-smutty book) shut and attempts to walk away. Kallian; however, will not have it and throws herself to the floor (and now she'll have bruised knees as well) and clutches Wynne's skirt.

"But Wynne, you don't understand. Stupid Face's stupid wife made me promise to fight with her and swords are all clangy and my head hurts and we don't want me puking on the Damn Queen of Ferelden do we (on second thought…)?" Kallian moans (focus on the puppy eyes, focus on the puppy eyes, there are no golems dancing the Remigold in your head).

"Ignoring those incredibly mature monikers, I suppose that it would not be good if you did at that." Wynne sighs, "But, I want you to promise me that you will treat the Queen with the utmost kindness," Kallian nods her head (bad idea), "AND even if Oghren offers you the rarest liquor in all of Thedas you _will not drink it_."

"Thank you Wynne." Kallian says as she throws her arms around the old woman, "I'm totally adopting a baby just so I can name it after you!"

Wynne sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose (Wynne does that a lot, especially when asked about griffons). "Yes, just… hold still a moment."

* * *

Her head blissfully free of dancing golems Kallian manages to squeeze into her leathers (she really should stop dinking so much ale, maybe _wine_ is less…..no, no she promised Wynne and Wynne is scary) and slowly makes her way to the Courtyard of Doom (actually the training fields).

Already standing there looking _far _too perky considering how early it is, is Her Damn Royal Highness: Queen Elissa Damned Cousland. Her armor is surprisingly practical, if a bit embellished with an emblem of Howe's slain body and what appears to be Kallian standing over it looking triumphant (and bosomy. How would one be able to _walk _with those things; let alone wield a sword and dagger?). Upon seeing Kallian the damn Queen brightens even more before flouncing over and crushing Kallian in a hug.

"Oooo, I am just so excited. You have no idea how torturous it has been not being able to show my people how I earned my status as the Warrior Queen (when did she earn that status?). Now, obviously I will need to brush up on my skills given my horrendous injury, but since I have not used it much following the…incident I must first watch you and Ali spar in order to work my strategic mind. Where is he, by the way?"

"Eamon called him away for some… king stuff."

"Well then I guess that we will simply have to find some way to work out my strategic mind." Damn Cousland says, now making her way towards the center of the field pulling Kallian along with her (the dagger is not tempting, the dagger is not tempting, the dagger is not tempting). She then gasps "I know! You will tell me all about your adventures and I will picture all of the battles and therefore catch a glimpse of your brilliance."

"It was actually more of a collaborative..."

"BRILLIANCE!"

The damn Queen then plops down on the ground, pulls Kallian down with her and lays her head on her shoulder. "You may begin."

"Um…okay."

* * *

"So you really cured the werewolves?"

"Yes."

"Andyou saved Arl Eamon's son while managing to get rid of that horrible Isolde woman."

"Yup."

"And you found the Urn of Sacred Ashes?"

"Yes."

"And you saved both the Circle _and _placed the rightful heir on the dwarven throne?"

"_Yes."_ Kallian manages to grit out.

"Oh Kallian I wish we had met earlier. You probably could have saved my family."

(Fuck it. There are no witnesses she can just reach into her sheath and…) "I'm sorry, what?"

"I just… I keep on thinking that maybe if I had been smarter or faster or even _more _beautiful than I already am, then maybe I could have stopped Howe saved them."She says stifling a sob. "I don't know. I'm just being foolish but… if we had met sooner, if you had been born in the Highever alienage then maybe _you _would have seen Howe's treachery and then maybe they all wouldn't be dead. Maybe Father, and Mother, and Nan, and Ser Gilmore, and _Iona…_" at this point she completely breaks down and Kallian panics.

(Okay, think. What will make her stop? Maker's breath is this what it feels like to be Alistair when she was crying because if it is she will _totally _be willing to try out that thing with the figurines. Now, what does the damn Queen like talking about…?)

"Your Majesty! I just realized how…little I know about you. I feel like you've barely told me anything. Umm… where _did _you learn to fight?"

Damn Elissa Cousland lifts her head up and sniffles, "Oh, that. Well Kallian, I have always been a rebel, an iconoclast if you will (a what?). And as such when I saw how Iona would look… I mean, when _I _would look at the men train with such admiration; I decided that I _must _capture that admiration myself. I then begged Father incessantly for the chance to join the boys in their training. While he did refuse for a time, my stubborn tenacity and hysterical sobbing won him over in the end. Mother never approved, which was a bit odd considering that she used to be a warrior maiden herself; but I suppose that she expected, like everyone else, that I was far too beautiful and delicate to tumble with the boys but I proved them wrong didn't I? Granted I never had many female friends after that and all the men found my ferocious battle rage and rebelliousness a turn off, but I didn't care. Because the first time Lady Landra's retinue visited and they saw me in action, the look on her face…well that made it all worth it." With that, a smile appears on her face and she starts to wipe her tears on Kallian's shirt (rather ineffectually as it is leather.)

"Thank you, Your Majesty. That was quite a riveting tale. You _are_ quite the rebel. Fighting against the system and what not." (Please don't start crying again.)

"I am, aren't I. Oh, Kallian you always know how to make me feel better whenever I confront my hellish past. I don't know how I can thank you."

"Oh you don't need to do anything…"

"I have just the thing. A sleepover. That's all the rage among good friends I hear. Oh we can tell the story of Luthias Dwarfson and the legend of The Blackmarsh and braid each other's hair and gossip. It will be so much fun!"

"Your majesty aren't we a bit _old..._"

"Kallian, one is never too old to share a bed with another woman and talk about shoes," the damn Queen gasped again, "You can retell your story of how the COUSLANDS WERE AVENGED!" With that she skips off and starts towards the castle, (well, at least she forgot about…) "Oh! And we can start our training _with _Ali tomorrow." She runs back towards Kallian, looks her in the eye, and plants a kiss on her cheek. "Tonight is going to be a lot of fun Kallian, _a lot _of fun." She kisses her on the other cheek before disappearing into the castle.

Well, that was weird.

* * *

AN2: Don't really know how I feel about this chapter. Anyway would _anyone _be willing to beta this? Please? I would write a oneshot about whatever Dragon Age related thing they wanted *puppy eyes*.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Hi! Sooo, I'm really sorry about the delay. I got back and forgot that it was recital time at my dance studio; getting the 3-5 year olds in line for their dance while simultaneously trying to put a wig on is a lot more time consuming that you would think. Anyway: Read, Review, and Enjoy!

AN2: Also thanks to the lovely mille libri and Sagacious Rage for betaing this. Without them this would read like an eighth grader wrote it.

Kallian is staring at her wardrobe. There is a reason for this. A very _good _reason. A reason that had _absolutely nothing _to do with stalling. After all, one did not go off to enjoy a…fun time with the damn Queen of Ferelden not properly dressed (preferably a Chantry robe that covered everything what with all the _touching _Damn Elissa Cousland seemed to enjoy). Kallian plunks herself down on her bed and sighs, burying her face in one of the sheets (Alistair really needs to eat less cheese; the smell is starting to become embedded in his skin).

"My dear Grey Warden, why so sad? Do you wish to have one of your daily…_rubbing _sessions to lighten your mood?" Zevran purrs (she should really ask him how to do that without hurting her throat).

"Maker, tell me I didn't really say that." She groans, pushing her face even deeper into the linen (stupid Oghren and his stupid glorious ale).

"Ah, but you did. I, for one, am just disappointed you did not tell me earlier. We don't want you to _die _now, do we?" He says with a pout (if she just moves her foot a bit to the left it will be in a _very _strategic place to kick) deftly moving to the right of Kallian, seating himself on the bed next to her.

"Shut up, Zevran."

"Now _that, _mi amora, is something I cannot do even for you. Where would the world be, without my amazing voice? I cannot tell you how many times it has gotten me… "

"STOP! I do not need to know. And how many times have I told you to stop speaking to me in Antivan? You know I don't understand a word of it."

"And with any luck, _mi amora,_ you never will." He smirks, tracing random patterns on her back (are all Antivans this touchy-feely?). "Have you considered getting another tattoo? Something to emphasize the curve of your back", his hands following his words, "or perhaps you would prefer something a bit…_lower_."

She reaches back and grabs his hand. "I am not in the mood for any of your weird sexual innuendos tonight, Zev," she scolds, turning over to glare at him, "I have had too much weirdness today as it is."

He snatches his hand back, palms facing her in apology. "Which brings me back to my original question: Why so sad?"

"I'm not sad, just…annoyed. Annoyed that Stupid Face Alistair had to get married to Damn Elissa Cousland and that the damn woman won't leave me damn well alone. And I'm pretty sure Wynne left me with a bit of a hangover just to spite me."

"Well, while I cannot agree with you about my magical-bosomed goddess, I can try and help you with Alistair's lovely new Queen. Would you like me to _distract _her for you?"

"I don't think that would work. First you'd have to get her to stop talking about Iona or our sleepover," she moans.

"Sleepover you say? I don't suppose this would involve sexy pillow fights and ripped clothing?" Her only response is a glare. He sighs, "I thought not. Well, I suppose you will just have to persevere. Tell me, what is it she does that is so annoying?"

"She's always _touching _me, and asking for stories, and telling _me _stories about her 'battle prowess.'"

"Ahhh, I see."

"See? See what?"

"Kallian, my darling, I do believe that our dear Queen wishes to be…closer to you." Zevran purrs once again (is that drool?).

"What do you mean 'closer'?"

"Closer like Leliana wanted to be closer to you."

"You mean she wants to sing to me and talk about my hair?"

"Oh Kallian, so proficient in battle, yet so oblivious in all else." Zevran says, shaking his head as he gets off the bed. "On the plus side, the possibility for sexy pillow fights is back."

"Zevran, _please_, the last time I had to share the bed of another woman was when it was winter back in the Alienage and Shianni and I needed to keep warm," she whines (Maker, is this what she has been reduced to?).

"Once again you torment me with cruel images. I don't suppose you had to cuddle as well?"

"Zev!" she exclaims, throwing a pillow at him. "Stop being such a pervert and help me! Do you really think your…distraction would work?"

"Alas, my dear, I fear the lovely Queen would find me a bit too… _hard _for her tastes." (Had he been eavesdropping earlier?). "I can tell you that since it's very warm tonight, you should probably wear very little clothing. And leave the window open, the one with the convenient tree next to it." And with that he's out the door before her second pillow can reach his head.

Kallian pushes herself off the bed and moans, holding her head in her hands. She then gets up, moves to the closet and grabs one of her longer tunics to sleep in. Dragging herself to the door she stops, turns around, and grabs some leggings as well (just in case).

* * *

The world had turned pink and purple. And frilly. Not to mention it seemed to have bathed in flowery Orlesian perfume (maybe Alistair would be willing to try that again if she brought the figurines into it…).

"Oh, Kallian! You are _finally _here, I was getting worried. I mean, if you hadn't arrived then who would I share these assorted sweets with? See! I have chocolates, and little jellied Archdemons and Howes that we can bite the heads off of!"

"Um…" (Crap. She forgot her dagger.)

Damn Elissa Cousland gasps, "How silly of me! Won't you please come in?" she says as she releases Kallian (oh sweet oxygen). "Do you like how I decorated the room?" She asks with a sweeping gesture encompassing the various tapestries depicting all the major points of the Blight, culminating in what appears to be Kallian in very little clothing holding up Howe's head. Seeing the direction of Kallian's gaze she smiles, "That one's my favorite. I personally believe that your slaying of Howe is your greatest accomplishment. Well, aside from that whole Archdemon thing of course."

Blinking rapidly Kallian sets her bag on the floor and moves to the nearest chair, "It certainly is…flattering Your Majesty. However, I don't think the artist was _accurate _in depicting certain events" (she didn't think it was possible to simultaneously free a small child from a broodmother's tentacle while kicking said beast in the face).

"While that may be true, who cares? I am only happy that he was able to display _all _of your …attributes to their _fullest _effect." (The Damn Queen must really enjoy chewing mint leaves.)

Kallian quickly leaps off the chair. "My, it is chilly in here. Do you mind if I shut the window?" (Preferably the one on the other side of the room.).

"Of course not, I'll get our snacks ready!"

Kallian walks to the other side of the room, pushing back the branches of a nearby tree and latching it closed (did something just fall?).

The Damn Queen grips Kallian's arm (Maker's breath how did the damn woman get so strong), and pulls her to where she has set up a pile of cushions. "Now, I was never invited to one of these when I was younger but from what I heard, when I used to listen to the other girls' conversations, we are now supposed to gorge ourselves on candy and tell scary stories. I'll start." With that she blows out all the candles save one and lowers her voice to a whisper. "Once upon a time, in a castle not unlike this one, there lived a monstrous, evil demon who liked to prey on beautiful young maidens…"

* * *

"…and then, just when Elise thought she was safe she heard the thumping footsteps of the gruesome, terrifying, grotesque…"

There was a knock on the door (she didn't jump she just…sat on a needle). "Elissa, my…dear, it's Alistair. May I come in?" asks a muffled voice.

"Just a minute." She replies as she turns to Kallian, pouting, "He always arrives at the most inopportune moments!" Damn Elissa Cousland then walks to the door, flinging it open, "What do you need, my husband?" (Kallian winces.)

"Well, Eamon told me…I mean I thought that you and I should…" he stutters, "Oh, my lo…Kallian, what are you doing in here?"

"The lovely Kallian and I were having a _sleepover, _Ali. Did they teach you nothing in the Chantry about this most basic aspect of female friendship?"

"Actually it was mostly 'The Maker hates you for your sins Alistair' 'Stop eating all the cheese Alistair' 'It's not nice to scream in the dead of night waking the priests Alistair'."

"Well, clearly you have _a lot_ to learn about women, Ali." She says as she once again clutches Kallian to her (that fire poker looks relatively sharp). "Now can you please tell me exactly _what _it is that you want?"

He rubs the back of his neck (looking as uncomfortable as the first time Kallian brought out the feather) "I don't really think it's appropriate to discuss this in front of Kallian."

"Nonsense. We have become the best of friends and hide nothing from each other. Whatever you have to say to me you can say in front of her." She emphasizes her point by gripping Kallian even closer.

"Fine! The two of us need to…consummate our marriage." He grits out, looking distinctly pained (isn't the floor a lovely shade of blue; even if it is getting a bit blurry?)

"Oh…I…I am afraid that I cannot because… because…" (What is _with_ all the stuttering?) "This bed is far too uncomfortable! How can we be expected to procreate if we are not as comfortable as we can possibly be?"

"Yes! Yes, you're right. It's absolutely impossible!" Alistair says (he hasn't looked this relieved since Arl Eamon left his sickbed). "But Eamon told me that the servants were talking last night about how we didn't sleep in the same room so I have to stay here tonight. I'll just sleep on these cushions next to Kallian and…"

"But Kallian is sleeping next to _me _tonight!" she exclaims (What?), "and, honestly, Ali, did they teach you nothing when you were cooped up in that stable! A king cannot sleep on the floor, it's unseemly. And neither can the Hero of Ferelden." Damn Elissa Cousland sighs, "Well I suppose the bed is big enough for all three of us. We'll just sleep with Kallian squished in the middle so that I won't end up smelling like cheese in the morning and we can still talk about hair."

Kallian and Alistair just look at her in silence (Alistair better not even think about it or she'll…). "I…guess that will work out," he agrees while giving Kallian a pleading look (stupid puppy eyes).

"…and I find my hair looks amazing even when it's humid out, although it does curl a bit. What about your…"Damn Elissa chatters as they all get into the ridiculously large bed. Most of the next hour is filled with chatter that Kallian couldn't remember even if she wanted to. Even though she is in what could possibly be considered the most uncomfortable position in her entire life (including that one time she had sleep in the Spider Queen's lair in the Deep Roads) she is incredibly exhausted (constantly dodging hugs will do that to you). So, squeezing Alistair's hand under the covers and mouthing a quick "I love you," she goes to sleep, crushed between the love of her life and the woman who is going to ruin everything.


	7. Chapter 7

AN1: I know it's nearly been a month and I'm sorry but writer's block and tonsillitis are not a good mix! To make up for it I once again offer guilt drabbles (I offered over at swooping is bad for those of you reading on )- give me a prompt and I give you a drabble. As always: Read, Review, and Enjoy!

AN2: Thanks to mille libri and Sagacious Rage for handling my panic attack after I realized I could think of nothing to write after the first paragraph. Without them this chapter wouldn't exist.

* * *

Kallian can't breathe. This is because over the course of the night Alistair and his damn wife apparently battled over which one of them could cover her more; a battle which ended in a tie. Alistair claimed everything from the waist down, with his legs thrown over hers and his arm around her waist; and the Damn Queen got the top half, with her head laying on Kallian's shoulder (Maker's breath, _Snuggles _doesn't even snore that loudly) and her hand tangled up in Kallian's hair.

"Kallian," an annoyingly familiar voice drawls, "a message arrived for you from Weisshaupt; given how urgent the man delivering it seemed I rushed over here as quickly as I could. Don't bother getting dressed, my dear Warden; such important matters overrule trivial things like…."

"Zevran help me!" she whispers frantically. (In Andraste's name if he so much as smiles…)

Zevran chokes back a laugh. "I-haha-I uh see that you are _tangled _in an important situation already. Should I come back after you three are done with your…ménage à trios, as the Orlesians say?"

"It isn't remotely like that and you know it! Now help me out of this mess; I can't breathe." Kallian commands glaring at him with all her might (her face is eventually going to get stuck this way).

"Hmm, I don't know. That wasn't a very polite way to ask and you look so _comfy _my dear," he grins wickedly. "Perhaps I could join you?"

"_Please _get me out of here?" she huffs.

Zevran sighs, "Fine, fine, ruin all my fun. Now be quiet while I try and figure this out." He looks at the bed for a moment, scratching his chin. "Ah ha! I've got it," he says, snapping his fingers, "Stay still. We don't want to wake the snoozing royals." With that he walks to the left side of the bed and gently untangles Damn Elissa Cousland's hand from Kallian's hair before grabbing the damn woman by the waist placing her torso on top of Kallian (how does this rectify her breathing problem?); then, after taking Alistair's leg off of Kallian's, he moves the rest of the damn queen on top of her while simultaneously pulling Kallian out of the bed (Thank the Maker, she was about to suffocate and she _really _didn't want the last thing she saw to be Damn Elissa Cousland's bosom).

"There, all done." Zevran says with a satisfied smile as he looks at the bed, "They look good together, no?"

Moving to stand beside him Kallian watches the unintentionally snuggling couple, "Yes, they do." (The spring air must be doing something to her eyes, they've been watering up so much lately.)

Glancing at Kallian sympathetically, Zevran places his arm around her shoulders and wipes a stray tear away, "Come, let us go to your rooms. Unless you wish to walk around all day in nothing but your night shift. I, for one, would be perfectly fine with that."

Kallian lets a small smile slip out as she punches him lightly in his side. "Not in this lifetime, Zev. You said something about a letter?"

"That can wait until you've had a bath. I don't mean to offend you my dear but did you perhaps spend some time in the dairy last night? You smell like cheese."

* * *

Freshly bathed (and smelling cheese free) in a pair of leather breeches and light blue tunic, Kallian walks into her office seating herself at her desk (is there some sort of demon that thrives on leaving mountains of paper every night on her desk that she can barely see over?). Rubbing her temples and preparing for a long day, Kallian looks down and sees a letter with the Grey Warden seal on top of a pile of complaints over the quality of the porridge the Chantry served to the poor (having had to rely on it many times in the past Kallian can agree with the sentiment). Picking it up, Kallian breaks the seal and reads its contents.

_Warden Tabris_

_Since Ferelden has recovered sufficiently from the Blight and can now handle an influx of new Wardens and their needs, it has been decided that we will start rebuilding the Ferelden chapter of the Wardens on the lands so graciously granted to our order by the crown. _

_Pleased as we are by the Grey Wardens' new political standing and respect in Ferelden, we are aware that sending an Orlesian Commander would most likely be met by hostility and resentment from your people. Having a Warden as king and another in charge of an Arldom is too great an opportunity to risk. As such, it has been decided that you will be made Warden Commander in Ferelden and will remain so until you and the representative we send to Vigil's Keep feel there is another who can take your place. You will have two weeks to tie up any loose ends at your current location before you are expected at Amaranthine. While we realize that is not much time there have been reports from that area that are disturbing, to say the least. _

_These are dangerous times, Commander._

_Your Brother in Arms_

_The First Warden_

Kallian can't breathe (that's been happening too much lately). Leave Alistair? And for how long? On the other hand she _would _be away from Damn Elissa Cousland (and all of her _touching)._Crumpling the letter in her hand she throws it back on her desk and sighs (maybe she could wait until the damn woman gives birth to an heir and then arrange for her to have an _accident_. No, no, she's been spending too much time with Zevran.) but her thoughts are interrupted by a shrill scream coming from Damn Elissa Cousland's room.

"Get off me, you oaf!"

"Me get off you? You were the one who was all over me with all t-the touching and snuggling and _drooling_."

"How dare you! I have never drooled a day in my life. If you hadn't been raised in a _stable _you would know that a lady such as myself would never indulge in such low behavior."

"Oh, yeah? Then explain the SNORING!"

"I don't snore!" she pouts, "Kallian would never make up such horrible lies about me."

"What does Kallian have to do with any of this?"

"I'm just saying that _she _has a little class. And she doesn't smell of cheese! Honestly Ali do you bathe in it?"

"Well, _Kallian _seems to be just fine with the way I smell, and I can't truly say she feels the same about you, or did you not notice her constant sneezing whenever you came within three feet of her?"

"She was probably unused to how a noble person should smell what with her hanging around _you _all the time."

"I…Kallian, how long have you been here?" Alistair says with a sheepish smile, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Since the drool," Kallian says with a dry look on her face, leaning against the doorway. "From all the screaming I thought you were being attacked. It's good to see you're in one piece, Alistair."

"Oh but Kallian I _was _attacked." Her Damn Royal Majesty says with an urgent look on her face, "I woke up and this…oaf had all but climbed on top of me in the night."

"I am not an oaf! And I don't even remember grabbing you in the night; in fact I specifically remember putting my arm around _Kallian _before I went to sleep. Where were you anyway?"

With that the King and the Damn Queen look at Kallian expectantly "I…uh…I" (Maker's breath now she's stuttering) "Uh….Darkspawn!"

"Darkspawn? Wouldn't I have sensed them as well?" Alistair says looking confused and a bit worried.

"You would have except….it turns out I hadn't sensed Darkspawn, I had sensed Snuggles."

"I didn't think it was possible for a mabari to be sensed by its master." Alistair says with an even more confused look on his face.

"How would you know? It's a master-mabari thing."

"Actually, Kallian I had a mabari before that wretched demon Howe came and I was never able to sense it." (Damn it.)

"I mean…it's an elven-mabari thing." ()

"Well, elves are supposed to be more attuned to animals, I guess that makes sense." Damn Elissa Cousland says, furrowing her brow.

"Yes! In fact it makes so much sense that we shouldn't talk about anymore… ever."

"But this still doesn't excuse the fact that I was all but ambushed last night. Kallian, in order to make me feel better about this we simply must spar together as soon as possible." She orders with an imperious look, "Ali as well, since he missed last time."

Kallian and Alistair lock eyes and sigh, "Fine, Your Majesty. Whatever pleases you."

"Oh, it does _please _me Kallian. It pleases me a _great _deal." She purrs (how come everyone can do that but her?) "Let me just get my armor out of the vault and I'll meet you on the training fields" (of doom) "in twenty minutes." She says as she springs up from the bed and flounces into the hallway.

"Well that was a nightmare," Alistair snorts, stretching his arms before fixing Kallian with a heated stare, "Now come here so I can give you a proper good morning."

"Alistair, we need to talk," Kallian sighs before flopping down on the bed next to him.

"What's wrong my love?", he says, a concerned look settling on his features as he brings a callused hand to her cheek, "Did something ha…" he manages to get out before a knock on the door interrupts him. "Hold on a moment," he whispers back to Kallian before opening the door, blocking the way in with his body, "Arl Eamon, what are you doing here?"

"Officially, I'm informing you that there are some papers you need to sign. My real reason, however, is congratulations."

"Thanks," Alistair drawls, raising his eyebrows, "Ummm…for what?"

"Why, for consummating your marriage last night! And again this morning if those screams were any indication. A bit of a wild one, eh?" Eamon smirks, waggling his eyebrows.

"I don't know what you're…"

"No need to be so modest, Alistair, this is a good thing. I realize you were disappointed when you ended your relationship with Chancellor Tabris" (What?) "but I told you things would work out in the end. Now look at you, happily wedded and bedded, and with a beautiful bride might I add."

"Yeah, happy." Alistair snorts, shuffling his feet and quickly looking back at Kallian apologetically. "Listen, can those papers wait until later? I promised my," he swallows a grimace "wife that I would spar with her in twenty minutes."

"Ah, want to get the blood pumping, I take it." Eamon smirks once again, patting Alistair on the shoulder. "Don't worry, my boy. These will take an hour at most and then you can spend the rest of the day with your pretty little wife."

"Fine, just…give me five minutes," Alistair pleads.

"Of course."

Alistair closes the door smacking his head against it and sighing (she never saw how hitting his head relieved stress). He opens his eyes, looking pleadingly at the Grey Warden across the room, "Kallian I-"

"You told Eamon that we weren't together anymore." She monotones, looking up at him with dead eyes.

"Yes, but I-"

"No, it's okay, Alistair," she manages to smile (damn spring air making her vision blurry again),"I understand, you don't want Eamon to be disappointed in you. I mean I am an elf, you're too good for someone like me."

"What! No that's not it at all, don't you **ever **say something like that about yourself again!" He exclaims, crossing the room and taking her face in his hands, "I just knew that if Eamon knew about us he wouldn't let up until we broke things off completely and I couldn't let that happen. So I lied."

"Alistair, you don't need to-"

"Hey, _I love you_." He whispers, giving her a light kiss, "and nothing's going to ever change that."

"Promise?'

"Promise," he swears, giving her another, deeper kiss. "Now, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"It can wait."

* * *

Dragging herself to the training fields, (of doom), Kallian sighs before making her way towards Damn Elissa Cousland.

"Alistair is running late, Your Majesty, but he will be here in about an hour."

Smiling at her the damn woman pulls Kallian in a hug (chain mail really doesn't feel good pressed against one's cheek) before giving her a peck on the cheek and picking up her daggers. "No problem! We can have some fun just between us girls. And please, Kallian, it's 'Elissa'; nothing would give me more _pleasure _than hearing my name coming from your lips." She insists while licking hers. "Now let's get started."

During the ensuing fight, Kallian is pained to admit (severely pained) that Damn Elissa Cousland is not that bad. While she does move with a bit too much flourish and is a tad predictable, she is able to meet Kallian thrust for thrust, parry for parry; enough so that she provides a challenge, and for the first time in what feels like a while Kallian finds herself…smiling. She still can't stand the woman (and not even Zevran touches her as much), still resents her intrusion into her life, but Maker help her, it's been such a long time since she enjoyed a good, clean fight. One that didn't have life or death hanging in the balance or old wounds threatening to resurface (and one that takes her mind off of…that other thing); and so when they take a break forty minutes later (Kallian having won all the matches but one) she finds she doesn't mind the damn woman's chatter so much.

"Thank you, Kallian. That was quite invigorating, I can't remember the last time I had quite so much fun." She smiles, before gesturing to a servant (elven, of course, another one who looks at her with worshipful eyes she doesn't deserve) to bring her a cloth to wipe her face.

"To be honest Your Majesty, neither can I," she admits, thanking the servant for the towel before bringing it up to her forehead and covering her eyes from the afternoon sun.

"Oh but, Kallian, how can you say that? All the adventures you had! Granted, there was my near fatal shoulder injury, but I still regret not being able to have joined the Grey Wardens myself."

Kallian sighs, removing the towel before glancing back at the damn woman (when had she gotten so close?) "Trust me, Your Ma-Elissa, I am honored to be a Grey Warden but sometimes I wonder whether it's worth the sacrifice."

"But how can you question the worthiness of the Wardens, Kallian?" she says, looking at something over Kallian's shoulder and smiling a bit before looking back at Kallian. "After all, a group would have to be truly wonderful to have someone as amazing as you in its ranks."

But Kallian doesn't respond. She can't. Because at that moment Damn Elissa Cousland has her lips pressed against her.


	8. Chapter 8

_AN: And we reach the final chapter of Damn Elissa Cousland! But fear not gentle readers a sequel is in the works. As soon as I think up a title and write the first three chapters (I promise that with the sequel I'll try to update more frequently) Kallian's adventures will continue. Also this is the longest chapter yet, so YAY!_

_AN2: I'd like to thank all of the people who've reviewed this story: You read the ramblings of my Red Bull crazed mind and are kind enough to give me feedback. For this you are awesome._

_AN3 (this is the last I swear): Thanks to my lovely betas mille libri and Sagacious Rage. Because of them you guys get commas._

_As always: Read, Review and Enjoy!_

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Damn Elissa Cousland pulls back as Kallian stares at her in shock (…tongue…). The damn woman looks ready to kiss her once again but Kallian is saved by the clomping of armored boots and a shout that echoes throughout the courtyard (of doom).

"WHAT IN THE MAKER'S NAME IS GOING ON HERE?"

Looking over Kallian's shoulder as the footsteps quicken Damn Elissa Cousland bites her lip to smother her grin before bringing her eyes back to Kallian, "I know that this probably isn't the way you wanted Ali to find out about us, my pretty little elf, but it's best that he know now rather than keep him in the dark about our all consuming love and passion."

"…tongue" Kallian says as her lip starts to quiver (so much tongue).

"Oh, don't worry my sweet," she purrs (was there some sort of class she missed?),"we can get to the _tongue _later."

The clomping of metal stops as Alistair yanks the Damn Queen away with a glare, "Andraste's flaming eyeballs! Why were you kissing my-my- why were you KISSING KALLIAN!"

"Because, _Ali,"_ she sneers, "we are deeply, passionately in love and this was the only way I could get that through your cheese addled brain!"

"I don't eat that much cheese!" He explodes, "Why does everybody seem to think that's my defining characteristic? Just because I happen to enjoy a nice Antivan cheddar every now and then doesn't mean that my entire life revolves around whether I have the Gouda within arm's reach."

"Well forgive me for thinking so when lately the smell of it seems to roll off you in waves," she huffs as she yanks her arm out of his grasp.

"I was in the dairy in order to find out if we needed to buy more cows after the Darkspawn invaded! It's not my fault that the smell is pungent. And what does _any _of this have to do with the fact that you were KISSING KALLIAN!"

"For one thing: it shows why she would be ecstatic to be near someone with _proper hygiene." _At this her sneer turns to a sigh, "The first stepping stone on our way to _amour_; that was Orlesian, in case you didn't know."

"_Love_," he snorts," you think that _Kallian's _in love with you?"

"No, Ali. I _know _she's in love with me. Sure, she hasn't said it, but a woman knows these things." She looks past him as her eyes start to glaze over, "It's been there ever since the night of our wedding, when I saw her pale silhouette glistening in the moonlight. I reached out to clasp her to me, as I could not help myself, and she was so overwhelmed with emotion that she could hardly remain upright, or indeed even focus her eyes."

Sighing, the damn Queen flutters to the ground, clutching at her heart, "But it was here, in this very spot that I became sure of her feelings; when she told me of her trials and I in turn told her mine." Glancing upwards, she smiles at Alistair, "She actually _listened _to me Ali, not just agreed with me because I'm a noble or ignored me because I'm a woman. She listened to me for no reason other than that she wanted to."

Pulling herself up, Damn Elissa Cousland places her hands on Alistair's shoulders, pity in her gaze, "Now Ali, I realize you are most likely in love with me. What with my beauty and charm, how could you resist? But while it will take a while, know that one day my effervescent beauty will not affect you as much, as for the matter of an heir, we can always adopt. I simply cannot be with anyone other than my true love," she sighs, "Kallian Tabris."

A weary expression settling on Alistair's features, he gently removes her hands before bringing his own to his forehead, "Listen, Elissa, there's something that Kallian and I should have told you a while ago, but I guess now would be as good a time as any right Kallian?" Looking around when he does not receive an answer, he raises his eyebrow in confusion, "…Kallian?" and discovers why.

When he finally spots her, she is scaling the palace gate, before getting lost in the crowds of the bustling Market District.

* * *

Staring morosely into the bottom of her tankard, Kallian signals for another as she goes to drink the last mouthful, thwarted when a tanned hand nimbly plucks it from her grasp.

"Told ya she'd be here, elf," Oghren snorts as he and Zevran slide into the seats across from her.

"So you did, my stout friend. Tell me, do you want a _reward_?" Zevran tilts his head, leering, causing his hair to fall attractively over one shoulder and it's so pretty and shiny and smooth that Kallian once again finds herself reaching for it before remembering that it didn't solve her problems before (but it's so _shiny_).

"What did you say, _elf_?" Oghren growls, his grip on the axe tightening.

"Why must you make everything so dirty, my friend? I was simply wondering if you would like a new axe, or perhaps a nice pair of trousers. Not everything is about sex, you know." He smirks, gently untangling Kallian's fingers from his hair (and in no way does this cause her to whine. Or pout). However, any further conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Kallian's fifth (or possibly ninth) tankard of ale.

"My dear, I think you've had enough", and with that the same tanned hand once again plucks it from her grasp (where's her fork?) this time, however, Oghren (glorious, glorious Oghren) gives it back.

"Come on, give the kid a break. From what the pike-twirler told us, Warden deserves to get drunker than I do before going home to Felsi." Kallian decides at that moment that she is going to marry Oghren, she wants to tell him this but there are two of him and she doesn't know which one will respond to her intentions better. Deciding that the one on the left will, she lunges across the table to grasp him in a hug but he rudely decides to disappear at that moment leaving her looking down at the shiny floor (shame she's going to most likely ruin it in a moment) with the table's edge pressed into her stomach. Deciding that her amorous intentions are too important to be overcome by a silly thing like vomit (and Oghren would probably be alright with it considering he often passed out in his own) she grips his chair and pulls herself up before wrapping her arms around his midsection, pressing her cheek against the heavy plate.

"Marry me, Oghren. I know Felsi would probably get mad, but I'm willing to share. I promise that I'll try to give you lots and lots of half elf babies" (although she probably won't be able to because of Stupid Duncan). "I know that there haven't actually been any half elf half dwarf children before, but I have a theory about that. I think that because we're so short and dwarves are so short that our combined shortness makes the babies _so small _that no one can actually see them. But don't worry, I promise to love our tiny babies forever and ever."

Oghren grins at her before grasping her by the shoulders and pushing her over to her side of the table (oh look, the other Oghren's back again). "Sorry Warden, Felsi would probably make sure that I never have kids again if you tried that," he snorts. "'Sides, I'm too much man for you to handle, you've been with that beardless pike-twirler for too long."

Pushing back from the table, he stands up and sighs, "Speaking of the surly bronto, I should be heading back. Heh, gets antsy if she doesn't get a piece of ol' Oghren every night."

"And with that horrid image in mind, I bid you farewell, my friend." Zevran says, going to catch Kallian as she lunges across the table once again.

"Don't leave me, Oghren! Zevran's mean and takes away all my glorious, glorious ale!"

Patting her head (and giving her a bruise. Gauntlets don't really lend themselves to comforting gestures) Oghren grins, "Don't you worry Warden. The Antivan'll take good care of you." Turning to Zevran he glares, "Let her finish this one and then find some place to put her up for the night. She's turning a shade of green that worries even me."

"Yes ser!" Zevran salutes (somehow she gets the feeling he is mocking Oghren), before waving as Oghren walks out the door.

Turning back to Kallian and seeing her pout, he moves over to the seat next to her and starts rubbing her shoulder. "Why does everyone leave me, Zev?" she sniffles, "I'm not that horrible to be around, am I?"

"Of course not, my dear Warden, Oghren was merely overcome with emotion at your generous offer and had to leave before he started to cry. Our stout friend is very sensitive." Kallian senses that he may be exaggerating but decides to let it go because Zevran's hair is now even closer so she decides to start running her fingers through it again.

"You're prettier than I am," Kallian pouts, "It's s'not fair. You should grow a beard so that your prettiness is hidden and then you should cut your hair and give it all to me so that I can touch it all I want."

"Kallian, my dear, if you want to touch me, all you have to do is ask. I certainly would not object, although I fear our ex-templar might have a few issues with it." A familiar leer settles on his features, "Unless he would be willing to share, but somehow I think this is not the case, given his sputtering regarding the incident earlier this morning." Grasping the hand that is currently tangled in one of his braids he gently sets it on the table before turning towards her once again, "Speaking of which, could you perhaps tell me your version of the event. Preferably in explicit detail, provide illustrations if necessary. It will be a hardship but I believe I will be able to suffer through _all _of the torturous information."

Swallowing a large mouthful of her drink, Kallian shudders before speaking "We were talking and then the Damn Queen was really close and breathing in my face, and I'm pretty sure she chews mint leaves constantly because whenever she comes near me my eyes start to water 'cause I'm allergic to mint. And then she stopped talking and there was…tongue. Lots and lots of tongue and I'm pretty sure she tried to grope me because I have bruises on my ass and let me tell you that it hurts when you get groped by someone in armor. I should know, Alistair would do it all the time when we were fighting the Blight and do you _know _how hard it is to put on leather armor when you have bruises on your hips. It's _really hard _because the leather's so tight and it would always press exactly where the bruise was which was annoying. Anyway, so then Alistair pulled Her Damn Royal Majesty off of me and I think she said something about being in love with me, but I'm not sure because I ran." Panting, Kallian takes a deep breath before chugging what's left of her ale (now Zevran has a twin, why does everyone get a twin but her?).

"Why is it I always miss your sexy adventures my dear? I am starting to get jealous."

Slapping him weakly on the stomach, Kallian rests her head on his shoulder (she isn't getting sleepy…her neck was just having a hard time holding her head up at the moment.) "What am I going to do, Zev?" she sighs. "I mean, I already have to go to Amaranthine because of the Stupid First Warden," catching his look of feigned surprise, she rolls her eyes before settling on his shoulder once again. "Oh stop that, I know you read the letter. I'm not so inept as to not realize when something has been steamed open and re-sealed. I'll be angry about that later, right I just…I don't want to leave things with Alistair on a weird note. I love him. Is it so wrong to want to be able to do my duty to the Wardens and then be able to come back to the man I love without all this baggage hanging over us?"

"Ah, mi amora, I think you are too tired and too drunk to try and deal with this right now. Come, we'll get you a room and you can deal with this in the morning."

Protesting weakly as he starts to pick her up she glares (when her face gets stuck in this position she's blaming Zevran). "I'm not tired," she yawns, "I'm just…resting my eyes."

"Of course you are, my friend," Zevran smiles as he adjusts her in his arms, "of course you are."

Blinking in the harsh morning light and rubbing her temples, Kallian wakes up with the distinct taste of stale vomit in her mouth (pleasant), wrapping her arms around her knees she glances at Zevran snoring in a chair in the corner (not that he'd ever admit it) before going over to the desk in the room, grabbing some paper and starts to write.

_Zev,_

_Enclosed in this envelope is a letter I would like you to give to Alistair. Don't worry, you can read it; it doesn't contain anything dirty (although knowing you you'd probably enjoy that. Pervert). I ask that you give it to him tomorrow so he isn't able to stop me from leaving today. As much as I may not like it, I have a duty to the Grey Wardens to fulfill and I know that dealing with the situation that occurred yesterday will distract me from that duty. I promise that I will come back, my friend, and when I do I will deal with what happened. But if the reports are as disturbing as the First Warden says, then my attention must be focused on that and not on my romantic life._

_Always your friend,_

_Kallian_

Placing the letter in Zevran's lap, Kallian grabs her cloak from the chair, puts it on, and leaves the room.

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'SHE'S GONE'!" Damn Elissa Cousland screeches before grabbing a paper weight off the desk and throwing it at the wall opposite Zevran's head.

"I think he means, _my dear_, that you disturbed her so much with your little stunt two days ago, that she felt she had no choice but to leave so you wouldn't jump her again." Alistair sneers at his wife, leaning against his desk with crossed arms.

"Oh shut up, Ali," she snarls, turning to him with a glare on her admittedly lovely face. "Clearly she was worried that you wouldn't accept our love and left for fear that you would try to hurt me in a jealous rage."

"For the _last time_, Kallian and I have been together since the Blight and that isn't going to change anytime soon!'

"Just because you can't accept our love, Ali, does not mean that you should make up such atrocious lies." She huffs, before throwing herself on a nearby armchair. "Now, Zoron-"

"Zevran."

"Whatever. Zoron, how far away is she exactly? Surely we can overtake her."

"I wouldn't know, Your Highness. She specifically asked me to give you the news today so that Alistair couldn't convince her to stay. Once our dear Warden puts her mind to something, it is hard to deter her from her course." He says, a false smile lingering on his lips.

Pushing himself of the desk, Alistair sighs, "Look, Amaranthine is ten days away on horseback. Considering Kallian never learned to ride one and is extremely uncomfortable with them, we'll simply ride ahead of her and meet her at Vigil's Keep. That should give her enough time to sort her thoughts out and we can talk to her once she gets there."

"I'm afraid that won't be possible, Your Majesty," Arl Eamon says, moving from his spot in the now open doorway. "I have just come to inform you that the Bannorn wishes to speak with you about some grievances. It will take at least a week to sort through all of them as it is."

"Then I will go!" Damn Elissa Cousland exclaims, "After all, my love will clearly want to know of my safety after she ran away out of a misguided notion to protect me."

Arl Eamon looks at her quizzically but shrugs, "As you wish, My Queen. It will be good to have some royal influence at the Vigil, considering that Chancellor Tabris is now Arlessa Tabris considering she has accepted the post as Commander of the Grey."

"Excellent!" She squeals (causing all the men in the room to wince), "I shall go pack. Come Zoron, you simply must tell me all sorts of little tidbits about Kallian so that we will have much to talk about when I greet her." With that, she tightly grips Zevran's wrist and pulls him out of the room.

Watching as they go away, Alistair sighs a second time before moving to sit behind his desk.

"Alistair, the Bannorn?"

"I'll be there in a minute, Eamon. Just…give me a moment."

"Of course." With a bow, Eamon leaves the room.

Once he is alone in the office, Alistair picks up Kallian's letter, preparing to read it a second time.

_My dear Alistair,_

_By the time you receive this letter, I will have left Denerim to go to Vigil's Keep in Amaranthine. The First Warden has made me Commander of the Grey in Ferelden, and as much as I would like to be with you, my love, I must be certain that the Wardens maintain their good reputation in Ferelden, else we may be banished once more. I promise that once I find a competent leader among the recruits I will return to you, never doubt that._

_As for the incident with the _tongue_ yesterday (or two days ago from your viewpoint) I can't deal with that right now. It's too much, at too turbulent a time. Just know that no matter what anyone says I love _you _and only you._

_I will miss you,_

_Kallian_


End file.
